Day 3 Deep Sadness

Well today was not a day I will forget for a long long time sadly.

Today I discovered from by boyfriend, that despite my numerous attempts to try to communicate feelings and solutions to problems, only to have them blown off by him in favour of other more interesting, less dissecting distractions, that today he realised I've been right all along and now he thinks he has no love for me. I don't know if anyone reading this has ever been told this "I'm not sure I love you anymore" but take it from me, it's the absolute epitome of feeling stabbed in the heart. Especially when you don't feel the same. Once the initial sting wears off, you bounce from shock to neediness to fee;ling very empty. Then you think why? Seven stages of grieving apply here trust me. I've been given 5 days to wait until he has a final answer for me, within which time I am supposed to live separate lives from him and no need to cook for him, no affection and he will go to watch the football matches in London and come back later (presumably to escape the guilt and emotion, although he claims this is thinking time/a break).

I have a huge party planned on Saturday with all my friends and family to belatedly celebrate my 30th birthday. Hands up who thinks I'm actually now looking forward to this? Knowing that the next day, my fate lies in his hands. Or more likely, he wont be able to wait until Saturday, so he'll call it quits by then and not turn up and I'll spend the evening having to explain his absence and face lots of pity and have the worst birthday party of my life.

I have no idea why he's hanging on until Sunday, maybe he feels he is giving himself enough time and being nice to me. He says he respects me hanging on to know but understands if I can't wait. I asked him to wait for more weeks actually, as we have a 2 week holiday coming up but I think he wants things done by then. I was supposed to be planning social stuff for us to do during those 2 weeks but now he only wants to focus on us doing the house up. Sounds to me like doing it up to sell, not enjoy.

He has gone from being really enthusiastic about the house and our future to being despondent and ready to go.

He claims to want to fly away like a bird, not sure if he is ever able to fully commit to a person, that he falls in and out of love easily and after 4 years, his longest relationship to date, he just does not feel the same way about me. He desires passion, true love and is not sure we have that. He claims to not have proposed to me due to financial reasons but now admits it is probably an excuse because he was not sure and really if he loved me that much, my situation would not even affect a proposal.

So basically, he has said I am pure perfect marriage material, the most supportive and loving girlfriend he has ever had but unfortunately he just does not love me anymore. And he has decided this after 2 months of us buying our first home together.

He thinks our physical intimacy is very poor; he told me for many months that this was due to his lack of libido because he works out very extensively and I tried to be understanding and accepting, putting my own needs last; he now tells me that it shouldn't really make a big difference and it's because he doesn't feel the same about me. That's probably why he can't make himself get intimate with me, because he doesn't have the same feelings.

I actually thought this was the man I was going to marry. How stupid I feel. How led on and used. He has gone from being a hotel boy in a crappy room in Reading to a successful budding Health and Safety Officer in London with a large banking firm and a homeowner. How nice of him to step all over me while he got to that position and now that he found his niche, he has no need for me. Now that I have served my purpose of helping him get on the property ladder and he has a high flying career to embark on, he's decided maybe he's outgrown the idea of the girlfriend at home with the family life in mind.

I'm part way through deciding how to tell his family, I would love to talk to them all but of course, what will it achieve. None of them can make him love me, they can only tell him what a mistake he is making, which of course he knows but is doing nothing against. They are the most beautiful loving family and I will probably miss them even more than him. The thought of not seeing them ever again, is actually quite heart-breaking, as they are genuinely lovely caring people who make me laugh so much.

I have no choice but to face the fact it's over and that I've been hurt dramatically, I am pretty much in shock though at the moment, so I just need time to adjust.

:(