Day 3 Deep Sadness

Well today was not a day I will forget for a long long time sadly.

Today I discovered from by boyfriend, that despite my numerous attempts to try to communicate feelings and solutions to problems, only to have them blown off by him in favour of other more interesting, less dissecting distractions, that today he realised I've been right all along and now he thinks he has no love for me. I don't know if anyone reading this has ever been told this "I'm not sure I love you anymore" but take it from me, it's the absolute epitome of feeling stabbed in the heart. Especially when you don't feel the same. Once the initial sting wears off, you bounce from shock to neediness to fee;ling very empty. Then you think why? Seven stages of grieving apply here trust me. I've been given 5 days to wait until he has a final answer for me, within which time I am supposed to live separate lives from him and no need to cook for him, no affection and he will go to watch the football matches in London and come back later (presumably to escape the guilt and emotion, although he claims this is thinking time/a break).

I have a huge party planned on Saturday with all my friends and family to belatedly celebrate my 30th birthday. Hands up who thinks I'm actually now looking forward to this? Knowing that the next day, my fate lies in his hands. Or more likely, he wont be able to wait until Saturday, so he'll call it quits by then and not turn up and I'll spend the evening having to explain his absence and face lots of pity and have the worst birthday party of my life.

I have no idea why he's hanging on until Sunday, maybe he feels he is giving himself enough time and being nice to me. He says he respects me hanging on to know but understands if I can't wait. I asked him to wait for more weeks actually, as we have a 2 week holiday coming up but I think he wants things done by then. I was supposed to be planning social stuff for us to do during those 2 weeks but now he only wants to focus on us doing the house up. Sounds to me like doing it up to sell, not enjoy.

He has gone from being really enthusiastic about the house and our future to being despondent and ready to go.

He claims to want to fly away like a bird, not sure if he is ever able to fully commit to a person, that he falls in and out of love easily and after 4 years, his longest relationship to date, he just does not feel the same way about me. He desires passion, true love and is not sure we have that. He claims to not have proposed to me due to financial reasons but now admits it is probably an excuse because he was not sure and really if he loved me that much, my situation would not even affect a proposal.

So basically, he has said I am pure perfect marriage material, the most supportive and loving girlfriend he has ever had but unfortunately he just does not love me anymore. And he has decided this after 2 months of us buying our first home together.

He thinks our physical intimacy is very poor; he told me for many months that this was due to his lack of libido because he works out very extensively and I tried to be understanding and accepting, putting my own needs last; he now tells me that it shouldn't really make a big difference and it's because he doesn't feel the same about me. That's probably why he can't make himself get intimate with me, because he doesn't have the same feelings.

I actually thought this was the man I was going to marry. How stupid I feel. How led on and used. He has gone from being a hotel boy in a crappy room in Reading to a successful budding Health and Safety Officer in London with a large banking firm and a homeowner. How nice of him to step all over me while he got to that position and now that he found his niche, he has no need for me. Now that I have served my purpose of helping him get on the property ladder and he has a high flying career to embark on, he's decided maybe he's outgrown the idea of the girlfriend at home with the family life in mind.

I'm part way through deciding how to tell his family, I would love to talk to them all but of course, what will it achieve. None of them can make him love me, they can only tell him what a mistake he is making, which of course he knows but is doing nothing against. They are the most beautiful loving family and I will probably miss them even more than him. The thought of not seeing them ever again, is actually quite heart-breaking, as they are genuinely lovely caring people who make me laugh so much.

I have no choice but to face the fact it's over and that I've been hurt dramatically, I am pretty much in shock though at the moment, so I just need time to adjust.

:(

Day 2 -Emotional and Pondering

I woke up feeling a bit Monday blues today. I had a snappy moment with my other half, he got shampoo in his eyes and I didn't like how he said goodbye to me. Interesting how small things can affect a person and how it can alter how you react to one another. We apologised via text about an hour later but still it does put on the dampeners. Not a good way to start.

I felt so tired today, because of the early morning wake up and then snoozed my alarm for about an hour. Felt worse for this!

Realised I have no routine in the morning, no get up and go, no breakfast and certainly no desire to put in a good solid days work.

I really need to work on going to bed earlier (saying this, writing at quarter to midnight) and then sleep well and get up with plenty of time to spare. I am so restless, I often feel more awake around this time. It's peaceful, gives me time to think and overanalyse everything in my life :-)

Today I decided, yes I feel a bit more mature actually. I want things to start happening, I want to start taking control. I'm in a new job which is alright but for my gallant efforts of fitting in to the new business, I know my boss seems to want more from me than I can give. He thinks I am too shy, he does not see that quiet is not shy, it can mean as hard working as a loud person. It frustrates me to have been interviewed by him and for him to have had that sense of who I am and NOW in role, he decides I should change. I don't want to change, therefore I can't. Simple as that. But to put up with him, well can I? He seems like a nice enough person generally but with some snappiness about him and frankly he unnerves me. Normally it takes quite a person to unnerve me but he broods and I find him a bit unapproachable so this is not helping. It makes me anxious and I'm certain it's contributing to my inability to sleep.  I really long to feel settled somewhere and enjoy what I do.

I also feel the desire to move forward in my relationship. My other half is keen for us to be debt free for this to happen. I have made a plan to clear my overdraft by the end of the year but I wonder, will this really change things for him? I panic that this is mere excuses in order to buy himself some time in comfort zone. If he does not want to get engaged with any debt surrounding me, although it's a nice to be debt free, I fear there will be another excuse around the corner. I know he is the traditional type but I'm not sure if there is something deeper going on or not. He doesn't like to dissect things the way I do, though, so I could easily be misinterpretting things. But I only wonder because I think the person you are with and love should want those things too and he seems happier to wait. He claims to want them but when it comes to the cut, I wonder if he can do it. It will be interesting to see. My mum is a good person to talk to about him, we have had our differences but she often has the right idea. I find it hard to get too close to her though as her advise can turn to criticisms and judging and leaves me feeling worse for having told her. Sometimes you just need an ear don't you?

I need to establish a bit more of a routine in my life I think. I'm a bit all over the place at times. I'm tired of the hectic life. I'm going to get into bed before midnight and pray for peaceful sleep. Maybe my dreams will reveal something to me.

Day 1!

Day 1 of being 30 has been very cool. I had a lie in; something that rarely happens these days. My brain is a hive of activity normally, whether I'm awake or asleep and my other half is an early bird; his gallant efforts of being quiet equate to that of a baby elephant...ie not happening. So today 10am was my wake from slumber time. Lovely! Then the realisation that I had an hour to get ready for my surprise. Normally I can get ready pretty quickly but that's because I am pretty low maintenance. I wanted to make an effort here because I had been instructed by my other half to dress in my sunday best! And well there are less and less chances to dress up these days, so you need to take them a bit seriously I think :-)

Anyway, I had my first mini tantrum as a 30 year old (or my last as a 29 year old, as I was born at 9.50pm) when a "my hair doesn't look right, I'm not going anywhere"  moment hit. I can't say I've ever said that before in my life. Normally I scream at the mirror and run out the door just feeling annoyed and then I forget about it because I'm not the one looking at my hair, the person I'm meeting will be. Anyway I wanted to test out how it felt to be divaish. My other half was soooo sweet. He helped me take out all the pins and said to the taxi driver to wait and he said how long do you need, another 20mins, shall I send the taxi away? I instantly felt guilty and thought NO! This is not me! So i calmed down and straightened myself out. I don't do diva it seems.

We had lunch at Cliveden House, a really lovely house in Taplow, Berkshire. I have never been before and I thought it was soo lovely. The staff were friendly not stuffy and there was a real wow factor for me. Looking around some of the other diners, I realised I would never belong in that circle of wealthiness...I actually ate my food and not all the courses but everything on the plate of all the courses. I had skipped breakfast, would miss dinner and I literally went for it, taking pauses as I needed to. I went one step further than over-indulging. But i savoured every single mouthful, so my guilt is less. Anyway, I know karma is always on hand to serve it's reminders, so it dealt me a blow of lets see if that corsetted dress really works... Ouch said my organs, you are really squishing us now. We (my other half, my squished organs and me) went for a lovely walk through the grounds and down the steps to the river. The weather held out and it was perfect!

This was the exact table we sat at - a secret door to the right!

I then made a weightwatchers dessert for my family who popped over to see me, when we got home. I have this thing in my mind now, that when people come to see me I need to have baked goods on hand. Is this an age thing? I bonded with my lovely dad a bit more as I just bought a coffee machine (i will now be asking is this an age thing for every purchase and thing i do!!) and had no idea how to use it. He was really keen to show me how it worked and now I can produce a latte...ta dah!

So now the 9.50pm official birthtime has passed, I can offically call myself 30 years old.

With that comes ticking the box of a new age bracket, new face creams for 30 year olds..
I aim to find the positives in being 30 but I am a realist too. So I will definitely be giving a frank account of anything that is deemed positively/negatively 30 related.

But for now, I am going to sign off, drink a glass of amarula and map out the next 12 months carefully :-)