I woke up feeling a bit Monday blues today. I had a snappy moment with my other half, he got shampoo in his eyes and I didn't like how he said goodbye to me. Interesting how small things can affect a person and how it can alter how you react to one another. We apologised via text about an hour later but still it does put on the dampeners. Not a good way to start.
I felt so tired today, because of the early morning wake up and then snoozed my alarm for about an hour. Felt worse for this!
Realised I have no routine in the morning, no get up and go, no breakfast and certainly no desire to put in a good solid days work.
I really need to work on going to bed earlier (saying this, writing at quarter to midnight) and then sleep well and get up with plenty of time to spare. I am so restless, I often feel more awake around this time. It's peaceful, gives me time to think and overanalyse everything in my life :-)
Today I decided, yes I feel a bit more mature actually. I want things to start happening, I want to start taking control. I'm in a new job which is alright but for my gallant efforts of fitting in to the new business, I know my boss seems to want more from me than I can give. He thinks I am too shy, he does not see that quiet is not shy, it can mean as hard working as a loud person. It frustrates me to have been interviewed by him and for him to have had that sense of who I am and NOW in role, he decides I should change. I don't want to change, therefore I can't. Simple as that. But to put up with him, well can I? He seems like a nice enough person generally but with some snappiness about him and frankly he unnerves me. Normally it takes quite a person to unnerve me but he broods and I find him a bit unapproachable so this is not helping. It makes me anxious and I'm certain it's contributing to my inability to sleep. I really long to feel settled somewhere and enjoy what I do.
I also feel the desire to move forward in my relationship. My other half is keen for us to be debt free for this to happen. I have made a plan to clear my overdraft by the end of the year but I wonder, will this really change things for him? I panic that this is mere excuses in order to buy himself some time in comfort zone. If he does not want to get engaged with any debt surrounding me, although it's a nice to be debt free, I fear there will be another excuse around the corner. I know he is the traditional type but I'm not sure if there is something deeper going on or not. He doesn't like to dissect things the way I do, though, so I could easily be misinterpretting things. But I only wonder because I think the person you are with and love should want those things too and he seems happier to wait. He claims to want them but when it comes to the cut, I wonder if he can do it. It will be interesting to see. My mum is a good person to talk to about him, we have had our differences but she often has the right idea. I find it hard to get too close to her though as her advise can turn to criticisms and judging and leaves me feeling worse for having told her. Sometimes you just need an ear don't you?
I need to establish a bit more of a routine in my life I think. I'm a bit all over the place at times. I'm tired of the hectic life. I'm going to get into bed before midnight and pray for peaceful sleep. Maybe my dreams will reveal something to me.
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